Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.