i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
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Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
I have so many questions.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.