Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
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It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.