Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
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[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Somebody’s lying.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
I would like even faster food.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
There is no “ea” in Tim.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.