2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
You Might Also Like
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.