The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
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[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream