My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
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Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
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It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
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“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
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I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
the world’s most popular steaming services
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend