My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
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bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.