What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
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Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Happy thanksgiving!
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.