Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
You Might Also Like
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task