*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
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Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.