SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
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Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
This is me
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers