me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
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[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.