Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
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DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Blew out my flip flop…
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?