Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
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Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
the three genders
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Um … Hot Wings please
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Always a housemaid, never a house.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.