girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
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There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Nice try, NASA
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke