Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
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When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
WHY?!
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.