My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
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There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
My typo game is string.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I love wikipedia
The Backseat Boys
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?