Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
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When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.