I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
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🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
A fake ID that makes you younger
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.