Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
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Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day