[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
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Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing