We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
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#winning
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something