Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
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Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*