Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
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noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?