Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
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married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.