genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
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I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
We have a winner.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
The Weeknd is back
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.