Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
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A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.