馃幎 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
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The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
If I didn鈥檛 have kids, I鈥檇 be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Edward norton: what鈥檚 your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
MECHANIC: listen, I鈥檓 not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can鈥檛 wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough