Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
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I finally found a reason to live again.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Sorry not sorry.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.