I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
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Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Guilty! 🤪
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
My spirit animal is fried chicken
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense