God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
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My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?