Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
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Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby