Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
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I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Banking tips