Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
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this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
In space, no one can hear…
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!