Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
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Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Woke up against my better judgement again
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Tell the colonel to bring it
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that