Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
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word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I would like even faster food.
what could possibly go wrong?
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.