[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
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Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
The photographer’s assistant
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.