“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
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Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?