Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
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Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.