“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
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I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.