My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
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You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese