Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
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Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
All. The. Damn. Time.