Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
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After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”