I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
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Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?