Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
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Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears