In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
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I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.