Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
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New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.