[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
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Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
OH. COME. ON.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go