[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
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[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!